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I was recently convinced to go and try a yoga class in Tyumen.  Two friends of mine basically gave me no choice but promised me a good lunch following this obviously humiliating situation.  I'm not against yoga and have actually been eager to try it out someday and get into that whole lifestyle but I've HESITATED going with people from the oilfield since the time I walked in on two rig hands practicing what was apparently yoga in the gym of a floating rig.  They were properly dressed in coveralls and large work boots so I'm sure they were following the right procedure.  They asked if I wanted to join but I politely declined telling them I had to do a run for 'training', then I walked around the gym once and left as fast as I could.  It was just too much to take in all at once.

This time, however, it was going to be a different situation.  There would be a real yoga instructor, full yoga experience and maybe some fit girls there yoga-ing beside me to help the time go by.  When it comes to these situations where I have no idea what I'm doing, I don't speak the language well enough and i'm bound to look like a fool I strategically position myself in the back of the room so that I can falter without being seen by the rest of the people in the class.  My friends, who took the same approach, had already done a few classes so I was expecting to be the worst out of them but, as part of my strategy, I looked around the room for one person that might be worse.  I was pleasantly surprised to see a grizzly of a Russian sitting in the back row as well so I sat close to him figuring I was more flexible than 275lb man.

The instructor noticed my 'new face' and she knew a little bit of English so she asked me my name to welcome me to the class.  After answering, her face lights up....
'oohhh, David Swenson!'. 
The rest of the class had a nice little yoga-chuckle at her comment so I figured it was some sort of inside joke.  Turns out this David Swenson is some sore of master yoga instructor, about 60 years old and doesn't have much hair.  I hope it wasn't a comparison based on looks.

The 2 hour yoga session (I was told it would only be 1) was started off with a chant.  The translation of this chant having something to do with the Lotus Feet, Thousand headed men and conch shells.  I suppose one is supposed to feel very spiritual during this chant but I was focusing on biting my lip to keep from laughing.  It started off with an 'Ommmmmmm' and I barely made it through that first verse but decided I better go with the process I used when I was in high school choir (for the easy grades) of just opening my mouth but not making a sound.  I let the rest of the group get me through it while I pinched my skin and pulled on my leg hair so I could keep a straight face.  

With the chanting completed the instructor gave a 10 minute introduction/explanation of what Yoga is all about so it was great that I had no idea what she saying.  The next part was to change the way we breathe.  I'm generally quite happy with how I breathe but apparently, in Yoga, you need to breathe like you're a Rhino in heat.  The sounds that were filling the room completely destroyed any concentration I had.  I couldn't get this technique down.  When I tried to breathe louder I made sounds that more resembled a donkey.  I stuck with my quiet breathing in the end.  

So we're 1.5 hours into this 'Plank, Downward facing Dog' routine and I'm feeling like I'm at least doing better than the rollie-pollie fellow sitting next to me.  The instructor then says a couple words, claps her hands twice quickly and then all I see are legs flying in the air....and staying there.  I'd seen this move in a movie once but thought it was an exaggeration of the yoga technique but here I am still trying to get out of child's pose and people are balancing on top of their heads like it's the easiest thing in the world.  I have more trouble standing on my feet then they do upside down.  As I look to my supposed safety net, the gigantor beside me, I'm crushed as he's completely vertical, upside down, holding the straightest pose of the whole group.  All this time he was just pretending to be terrible and the hustles me right at the end.  I really felt like pushing him over.


Anyways, I survived the class and I was now looking forward to the post-yoga lunch that I was promised.  That part did not disappoint.  We went to a cafe serving Uzbek food and as you can see from the pictures below it was the perfect yoga recovery meal.  Namaste.